BDSM—which stands for bondage, domination and submission, and sadism and masochism, are more common than most people might imagine—both in the realms of fantasy and the real world. As reported in a study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, around 22% of people have fantasized about BDSM, and around 47% have actually engaged in it at some point in their lives. Dr. Justin Lehmiller, author of the book Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life, has found that the taboo surrounding BDSM could in part be attributed to psychologists and psychiatrists classifying it as unusual. In fact, many of these practices are actually common among adults. Think about the popularity of the novel, Fifty Shades of Gray, and this idea certainly falls into place.
What Does Modern BDSM Involve?
In current times, BDSM does not exclusively involve risqué domination and submission scenarios. It extends to ‘spicy but gentle’ practices such as dressing up for sexy role plays in which one partner has some authority over another (think nurse and patient or boss and new employee). Role-playing in particular, is a popular way to create an ambiance of dominance without foregoing passion, romance, and sexual desire, expressed fervently to one’s partner. Role-playing can be seen as a means of identity exploration, reports psychotherapist and sexologist, Dr. Michael Aaron. He notes that in everyday life, human beings often smother the elements that fuel our desires—lust, aggression, greed—and these emotions only come out in our fantasies. For this reason, role-playing can be seen as an ideal way to express our inner selves.
Communication is Key
People who would like to try out BDSM but are afraid of judgment should understand that if they have a partner, the latter may want to try out similar practices but may also fear the consequences of honesty. In fact, sexual fantasy and role play can enrich a couple’s sex life, adding variety, creativity, and spice into the equation. Couples should aim to express their wishes clearly, and transparently without the fear of being criticized or shamed. Those who agree to talk about their fantasies should therefore make a ‘no judgment’ rule as they aim to find common ground or experiment with fantasies suggested by their partner.
Sexual Fantasies Can Enhance Your Relationships
Humans are highly sexual beings who enjoy connecting with others physically. Couples who express their sexual fantasies can enjoy an improved relationship that becomes more rather than less creative as time goes by. As found in a series of studies headed by Gurit Birnbaum, burying one’s desires over time can lead to the erosion of passion in a relationship. On the other hand, engaging with fantasy can help deepen the overall quality of committed relationships.
BDSM may be a ‘taboo’ subject in many circles, but it is more common than many realize. Couples wishing to try these practices should know there are many ways to do them and many levels of dominance and submission. Speaking openly and remaining open-minded can help couples enrich their relationship and avoid getting stuck in a rut.
